Rethinking the “4 Horsemen” in Couples Counseling: A Neurodivergent-Affirming Perspective
In couples counseling, many clinicians are familiar with the concept of the “Four Horsemen,” originally developed by Dr. John Gottman. These patterns - criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling - are known to predict relationship distress when left unaddressed.
But in my work with couples, especially neurodivergent couples, I’ve found that these behaviors are often misunderstood. What looks like dysfunction on the surface may actually be rooted in nervous system responses, communication differences, or unmet needs.
Instead of simply labeling behaviors as harmful, we can reframe them with deeper awareness and more inclusive, compassionate interventions.
1. Criticism → Tone of Voice & Overstimulation
Traditional view: Criticism involves attacking a partner’s character rather than addressing a specific behavior.
Reframe: What often gets labeled as criticism may actually be a combination of tone of voice and overstimulation. When someone is overwhelmed, their tone may sharpen or intensify, not because they intend to criticize, but because their nervous system is dysregulated.
Neurotypical antidote:
Gentle start-up
Softening language and tone
Neurodivergent-affirming antidote:
Co-regulation (supporting each other’s nervous systems)
Increasing self-awareness of sensory overload and emotional escalation
Rather than asking, “Why are you being critical?” we can ask, “Are you overwhelmed right now?”
2. Defensiveness → Trauma Response
Traditional view: Defensiveness is self-protection that blocks accountability.
Reframe: Defensiveness is often a trauma response, a learned way of protecting oneself from perceived threat, shame, or emotional harm.
Neurotypical antidote:
Accept responsibility
Validate your partner’s perspective
Neurodivergent-affirming antidote:
Mutual awareness of trauma responses
Naming what’s happening in the moment (“I think I’m getting defensive because I feel attacked”)
This shift reduces blame and invites curiosity:
“What is this reaction protecting?”
3. Contempt → Self-Misattunement
Traditional view: Contempt involves disrespect, sarcasm, or superiority and is the most damaging of the four.
Reframe: What appears as contempt may actually be self-misattunement, a disconnect from one’s own emotions and needs that gets expressed outwardly.
Neurotypical antidote:
Clearly describe your own feelings and needs
Neurodivergent-affirming antidote:
Pause and ask: “Is this actually contempt, or am I overwhelmed/confused/disconnected?”
Build self-awareness using internal and external cues (body sensations, tone shifts, facial expressions)
Instead of assuming malicious intent, we explore:
“What am I actually feeling underneath this?”
4. Stonewalling → Need for Processing Time
Traditional view: Stonewalling is emotional withdrawal or shutting down.
Reframe: Many individuals, especially neurodivergent partners, require more processing time. What looks like avoidance may actually be a need to regulate, think, and respond intentionally.
Neurotypical antidote:
Self-soothing
Re-engaging after a break
Neurodivergent-affirming antidote:
Explicitly allowing extra processing time
Communicating needs clearly (“I need 20 minutes to process before I can respond”)
This transforms shutdown into a boundary, not a failure.
Moving From Judgment to Understanding
When we shift from labeling behaviors as “bad” to understanding their underlying causes, couples can move from conflict to connection.
This approach:
Reduces shame
Increases emotional safety
Supports both neurotypical and neurodivergent partners
Encourages collaboration instead of blame
Relationships don’t improve because we eliminate behaviors, they improve because we understand them differently.
Final Thoughts
The original Four Horsemen framework is powerful, but expanding it through a neurodivergent-affirming lens allows us to better meet the needs of all couples.
When we recognize tone as overload, defensiveness as protection, contempt as disconnection, and stonewalling as processing, we create space for compassion, growth, and real change.
Looking for Couples Therapy in Fair Lawn, NJ?
At Mati Sicherer Mental Health Services, I offer trauma-informed, neurodiversity-affirming therapy for adults navigating neurodiversity and related challenges. Reach out today to schedule a free consultation
